There’s a scene in the first Avengers movie where Captain America asks Bruce Banner his secret for keeping his anger, and by extension, the Hulk, under control. Bruce doesn’t answer until much later in the film; in the thick of battle, Cap says to Bruce, “Doctor Banner, now might be a good time for you to get angry.”
Perfectly calm, Bruce turns around and says, “That’s my secret, Cap: I’m always angry.”

I think about this scene a lot.
2024 especially has been such a heartbreaking year; for all the beautiful things I’ve done, experienced, and created, I’ve lost and grieved just as much.

I used to get so angry instead of getting sad. I’d see red when I felt my heart begin to break; the words come to me quickly, they’re my sharpest weapon, and one thing I’ve come to know intimately about this reaction is that I will fight to the death to protect my heart. It’s how I survived and managed it all, like Bruce.

But in its own magical way, yoga has helped me with this. It’s taught me how to sit with and observe my Self, which brought me to the same conclusion as C.S. Lewis when he said, “I sat with my anger long enough until she told me her real name was grief.”

On my birthday in 2023, I did a large tarot spread where all of my cards carried a theme that pointed to some type of growth, transformation, movement, elevation, and learning. Over a year later, I’m looking back and realizing that grief has been one of the most effective teachers in the last year. Getting gentle with my own anger (a practice I really learned from listening to Sah D’Simone’s teachings), she could tell me her real name, and I have been able to begin to understand the root of some of these hurts which puts the current triggering a situations into perspective.

But why do I hurt all the time?
Why does my heart break so easily?

And the beauty of this line of questioning is that everything will keep breaking me… because I love everything.

I love being alive. I’m enthusiastic about so much because living is so much fun. People are incredible, and so deserving of love in general; it’s my gift (and responsibility) to throw this shit around like confetti.

So when it hurts, you’ll find me leaning in and trusting myself because loving is never a mistake.