The last few days have been a roller coaster of emotions for me.

On my way to Jesus at the Core last Friday, I took a confusing punch to the gut that felt like the beginning of the death of a dream the the Lord had given me. This wasn’t a dream I had asked for or created – it was one I know the Lord developed in me over time as I studied His Word these last few years. He led me to it and he softened my heart during that time to receive it.

And like anything else, I had to wait for it. And believe me, there was plenty of pain and wrestling with God in that waiting period. It was hard. This dream, this call on my life had been revealed to me so clearly in the Bible, but it wasn’t for that moment. God gave me a wonderful husband though, and He spoke to him a ‘when’ of sorts and that ‘when’ is almost now. For nearly 2 years, I have yeilded to this timeframe  as patiently as I could manage, through good days and some really crappy ones.

But it’s almost here. This timeframe is almost up and the bell is about to ring. And BAM. A shot right to the heart. This might not happen the way we thought.

So, this is how Friday went:

•punch to the gut received.

•message about entitlement on 3 hour drive to Jesus at the Core.

•message about overcoming unbelief.

•Then worship. With my WHOLE body (JATC is a fitness worship event).

At the time, I was still pretty unaware of how all of this ties together, but hold on. Saturday:

•a message about disappointment.

•More worship. with the body again.

And it finally happened. My heart finally let it go and opened up. Softened to the point of mush, I called it what it was. I said to God, “I’m disappointed. In You, in these people, in this circumstance. And I hurt because of it.”

It occurred to me just how entitled I sounded to God who supplies my very breath by grace alone, and still does. How dare I call him into question, I wasn’t here when He formed the mountains and laid the foundations of the earth. I was calling into question the God of loving, kindness, and goodness. The God I know uses all things for good and glory… And I was disappointed in Him. And I was telling Him so.

And… that’s when the song came on.

“It Is Well”

Grander earth has quaked before
Moved by the sound of His voice
Seas that are shaken and stirred
Can be calmed and broken for my regard

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
It is well with me

Far be it from me to not believe
Even when my eyes can’t see

And this mountain that’s in front of me
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well

So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name

It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul

It is well, it is well with my soul

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You Lord
Through it all, through it all
It is well with me.

That is when I found myself, completely upright, hands to the sky, and tears coming down my face. In the midst of my pain and disappointment, I was learning to say “it is well with me. And it hurt – oh MAN did it hurt?! But I left feeling that day so set free from it!

Before we left, they had us write down something – a praise, a struggle, a disappointment that the could pray over for us, but most importantly, that we were going to lay down before Him. I spilled my guts on a Post-It about it, and prayed over it, and left it there, feeling restored and at peace.

Sunday came, though, and I was distracted by some other things at church (mostly my 7 week old son who’s feeding schedule usually means we head to the nursery around the same time the message begins). One phrase my pastor shared though, did stick. He’s preaching through the book of Mark right now, and he read the story of Jesus telling the disciples, “let’s get in the boat and sail over to the other side” and eventually comes the storm and they panic and He calms the sea and the disciples are like, ‘whoa’ right?

To begin the message, he mentioned that some things Jesus said werent super clear (parable, anyone?) and in this passage, Jesus tells them “let’s go to the other side.” Which pastor said he’s pretty sure, in the Greek, it means “let’s go to the other side.” Thats it. That’s what He said and that’s what He meant.

Three days and a few more punches to the gut later, and I’m back to lower than before I started. That crafty enemy was out for blood. I fell apart again.

I cried, and questioned, and yelled from the inside out in prayer. And I finally confessed to my husband that I was struggling so much because – how could God give this to me, something I didn’t ask to desire and know I needed to do, and then let it come so close to within reach before taking it away? It didn’t match the God I knew and I was in a crisis over it.

Sticking close to Jesus in a crisis is the right response and, again being a wonderful husband, mine recognized I wasn’t there yet and needed it, or maybe just needed it himself, but like Aaron to Moses, he held my hands and lifted God into His rightful place and asked Him once again to provide.

A few hours later, timidly, I asked my husband if maybe he thought we should just take a leap of faith, regardless of the circumstances, and go through with what we believed God said in the first place, despite whatever else was happening. And do you know what he said? He said, “I’ve been thinking that all day.” And we talked for a time about how we were stressed about this, that, and the other thing, and I confessed that I tied this dream up in these circumstances so tightly that, in my mind, they were dependent upon one another, but we realized together that they’re not. And God was just beckoning us to take a step IN FAITH ALONE, regardless of our other circumstances, to follow Him and His plan for our lives as individuals and as a family.

And it rocked my world. I’m up at 5:30 in the morning writing about it because life around me is not well. It’s not, it’s in limbo and it’s nerve wracking, but I can truly say that it. is. well. with. me.

Not becauee I “got my way,” as if God was a magic genie granting my wishes. But because He is EXACTLY who He says He is, He is faithful and true, and He hears our cries. He is gentle with us when we’re in pain and He’s close to us when we are broken-hearted. And when He says we’re going to the other side, well, that’s where we’re going.