Real talk: I have been STRUGGLING to share these, but it’s important for me, I think so here I am.
I took these a few days ago because I want to remember this, especially on the days when old thought patterns try to rob me of my joy and pride in myself and in my body.
I’ve been committed for a few months now, less to weight loss, and more to just feeling physically good and energetic.
And that’s meant more than just yoga. It’s meant not over indulging (but still indulging), it’s meant cardio and strength training, and it’s meant tender self-care and love.
These processes are not just outward; they’re mostly INWARD.
Shedding the rhetoric of self-shame and loathing that try to prevent me from enjoying my life and my body to the fullest has been (and might always be) a lifelong battle. But you know what? I rebel against it anyway.
Finding pride in my body as it was when it was, has led me to be able to find more pride in my body while it’s transforming as my efforts start to show up, sometimes in the littlest of ways, and I believe it will continue to help me love my present self in all her forms that much more in the future.
That might read weird, but to put it bluntly: finding pride in a bigger body, and doing that internal work on me then to be at peace and okay with my body never changing, is helping the me NOW that has lost weight and is discovering changes everywhere, and made it that much easier to enjoy (and sustain) the effort put in to feeling stronger and more physically well.
I’ve been rejecting and railing against “losing weight to be thin” for years, but it is badly etched into the fabric of my being. Just existing in a barre class where I’m confronted with my reflection in the mirror is bold rebellion in the face of that narrative. But showing up as I was, and continuing to show up as I am, and look at myself and THANK THAT GIRL for being here today… telling her how PROUD I AM of her…
It makes these moments all the better. It makes seeing a sensitive spot for me – my arms, who I loved and adorned as they were – start to show their strength to me and the world THAT MUCH sweeter.
I loved them soft and I will love them strong, too.